“IS BECAUSE NOT A BANANA!” (Or, How to Be a Toddler)

How to be a toddler by Let's Eat Grandpa

Just for funsies, I thought I’d re-post a conversation that took place on Facebook the other night. I was whining because my foot surgery has left me extremely exhausted yet completely stir crazy. I compared myself to a toddler. Then my friends shared other things I could do if I wanted to be more like a toddler. I about died laughing.

Here are a selection of my favorites, plus some great photos of my friends’ toddlers they shared with me for this post! For new readers’ reference, Ryan is my husband, Gunnar is our dog.

Parents of toddlers — do these seem about right? Add your favorite ways to be a toddler in the comments!

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Start petulantly asking people impossible questions and then throwing fits when you don’t like the answer. For example, “Why that taste green? Why?” and “NO. IS BECAUSE NOT A BANANA. YOU A MEANIE.”

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Get yourself some cotton balls and an old paper towel tube and start shoving those suckers through.

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You can try riding the dog! O officially tried that this week. I think the O to Annie ratio is about equal to the Cori to Gunnar ratio.

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Refuse to eat food on a plate, but when some Cheerios are spilled on the floor, act like they are the greatest treasure of food you’ve ever tasted.

Oh, Toddlers | Let's Eat Grandpa

Photo credit: Hollie Jacques

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Spend 45 minutes attempting to pick the dog’s nose.

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Try with all your might to stick your hands into the toilet and/or dog bowl and dare Ryan to stop you.

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Insist that everyone who enters the house read you Go Dog Go at least 7 times.

Toddler Photo 1

Photo credit: Karyn Thurston

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Repeat phrases over and over in increasing states of agitation.

“I like ice cream.”

“Uh-huh.”

“I like ice cream.”

“You like ice cream?”

“I LIKE ICE CREAM.”

“Ice cream. Yes.”

“I. LIKE. ICE. CREAM.”

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Don’t forget to wake up at 5:30am.

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For the love of everything holy, work on getting your voice to a really high pitch, like a siren.

Oh, Toddlers | Let's Eat Grandpa

Photo credit: Katie Brumfield

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Start climbing EVERYTHING. When Ryan tells you ‘no,’ scream like you’ve been stabbed by a knife.

Oh, Toddlers | Let's Eat Grandpa

Photo credit: Lindsey Keesling

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Get a duck stamp on your hand and spend the entire day pointing to it and saying ‘Ducky. Ducky. Ducky.’

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Refuse to eat anything that isn’t crackers, cheese, bananas, Cheerios, or raisins. When offered something else say ‘yes.’ Then promptly pick up the food and offer it to Ryan until he takes it off your plate.

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Decide to transfer all the tupperware from one cupboard to another- for no reason other than to do it.

Toddler Photo 2

Photo credit: Katie Pitcher

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Refuse to wear pants.

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Ask for ‘car keys’ constantly.

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Ask for ‘na night’ then spend a half hour reviewing all the words you know and the names you can say. When that gets boring, Rawr randomly. “Mommy. Dada. Nana. Papa. Kitty. Puppy. Car… RAWR!”

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Any time anyone asks for anything or talks about any object, say “is for me!!!”

Double points if it is something you shouldn’t get into, like: “don’t forget to take out the trash!” “IS FOR ME!?”

Or “Did you pay the power bill?” “IS FOR ME?!”

Triple points if you do this while interrupting a conversation you shouldn’t be a part of.

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Turn on the oven for no reason.

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Wake up Ryan at 2am acting offended he didn’t give you something you never asked for. Like “hey! I said ice cream!”

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Insist on changing your clothes repeatedly throughout the day. Request something very specific, like red polka dot leggings, then scream “NO!” And throw them like they are a snake.

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Open your mouth really wide while eating and say “see I chewing!”

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Clap for yourself. Poke Ryan and insist he claps, too.

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Become incredibly violent suddenly for no apparent reason. Interrupt gentle hugs with ridiculously mighty hair pulls, go to touch someone’s nose all smiley-like but then change gears and jam your finger full force into their eye, pat Ryan on the cheek sweetly, then clock him full force and crack up. Repeat with dog.

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Act horrified about things which shouldn’t be upsetting. “Your hair is brown! That is a dog!” Cry violently for no apparent reason. When Ryan asks why, say “my pants are bluuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeee.”

Oh, Toddlers | Let's Eat Grandpa

 

Photo credit: Christy Bottom

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When you get tired, flail your arms and legs as wildly as you can, stand up, make loud noises, roll around, and generally do everything else in your power to keep your body from being physically able to actually fall asleep. The more tired you become, the harder you should work to avoid doing the sleep. Eventually fall asleep standing up and bonk your head on something. Repeat from step one. Fall asleep again folded in thirds in the far corner of your bed with your arm bent at an angle that will make anyone who sees you flinch terribly. Make adorable sounds when moved to a more reasonable position. Wake up three minutes later and repeat from step one.

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Eventually fall dead asleep while eating. But you should rub your hair in your food first, forcing Ryan to decide if he’d rather risk waking you up to wash your hair or washing your bedding later. This is best with spaghetti or applesauce.

Oh, Toddlers | Let's Eat Grandpa

Photo credit: Lindsey Keesling

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And should anyone give you peanut butter, smear it all over your body as though you’re participating in either a spa treatment or a ritualistic sacrifice. Best done on days a bath was not previously scheduled, early in the morning, before your expensive baby music class.

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Make sure that applesauce is rubbed generously into your hair so it acts like hair gel.

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If you eat crackers you must shove some in the back of your underwear. Also, randomly shove food in other peoples faces and scream “EAT.” This can also be done with nonfood items and bugs.

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Alternative to underwear is dog. One for the underwear, one for the dog. Thems the rules for crackers. And Ryan thinks he’s confused now…wait until you start putting your hands in the toilet.

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Don’t forget to put a sticker on your paper every time you go pee pee in the potty.

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Investigate all things given to you in a bowl by trying to ‘drink it’ then use bowl (empty or not) as a hat. This is the most fun with applesauce, hummus, and tomato soup.

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Create unintelligible words for things and act confused when people use the right word. Like, ketchup is blurpyup. If someone points at the ketchup and says “ketchup” cry and say “nooooooooooo.” Eventually point at what you want and say “that thing!” When someone tries to teach you the correct word, growl or play dead or cry (or do each consecutively).

Oh, Toddlers | Let's Eat Grandpa

Photo credit: Hillary Smith

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‘Discover’ your belly button and insist in pulling up everyone else’s shirts to jab your finger in their belly button. Look adorably proud of yourself.

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Show that you know where noses are by poking yourself in the nose, saying “nose”, then reaching for Ryan’s nose and shoving your finger up his nostril. Proudly declare “Ryan nose.”

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If you wear a dress, you must pull the skirt over your head and proudly say “no pants!”

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Frantically open and close your fingers and look around the room with extreme urgency. Make a cornered alpaca whimpery sound that threatens to devolve into a fit of rage and stare at the closest human until they cave and sing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” several times in a row.

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Take everything off the shelves you can reach, then climb on the lower shelves to throw the upper contents on the floor inexplicably.

Oh, Toddlers | Let's Eat Grandpa

Photo credit: Katie O’Leary

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Refuse to sleep in your own bed between the hours of 1-3am every night. Call your parents or inlaws and demand to be allowed to sleep with them. Yell at them until they agree, then sleep horizontally between them. Kick one and pick the other one’s nose. Eventually fall asleep on someone’s face. Snore.

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Become potty trained, but still pee and poop around the house, just to leave a message (same as a cat).

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Help Ryan wallpaper by dumping a potted plant in the water tray coating your hands with the mud and rubbing them on the wall, while he is cleaning that up, find a pair of scissors and cut all the drapes, acknowledge that he will never catch up to you in time by peeing in the corner of the living room. When you have exhausted all other options, curl up in a ball with an afghan in your closet (fetal position with your bottom straight up in the air) and fall asleep so soundly that Ryan goes insane searching the house for hours to find you.

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Hide things all over the house and cry until Ryan looks for them. Wait until he is exhausted and giving up on life, then “find” them and clap for yourself. If he doesn’t act proud of you, throw them at him. But leave a sandwich somewhere that he won’t find it until it is green.

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Become obsessed with a tiny dust bunny on the far side of under-the-couch and cry like the world is ending until someone lets you hold it. When it is fished out for you, eat it immediately.

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Oh! Poop in the living room.

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Special thanks to Karyn, Katie, Alicia, Tom, and Lindsey — you guys crack me up!

Comments

  1. says

    I remember all those! I’d forgotten how insane toddlers can be. I should direct my son and daughter-in-law to this post as my first granddaughter is just over a month old. Fun times ahead.
    Barbara recently posted..Baby FeetsMy Profile

  2. says

    These are awesome . . . and also terrifying to a not-yet-a-parent? My favorite is probably acting horrified about things which shouldn’t be upsetting. Sounds like we have an interesting road ahead of us! :)
    Meg recently posted..The new snow dayMy Profile

  3. Alicia Ashley says

    That last one made me laugh so hard because it happened today!

    Also: Beg for Ryan to take you somewhere, then when he tries to help get you into the car, arch your back and scream. Once he manages to buckle you in, take off your shoes and socks in protest and throw them at the nearest human.

  4. Amanda Guthrie says

    I am in tears here! My girls are 1 and 3 1/2 and I know most of those situations all too well. I feel like I live on a crazy farm most days!

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